I have questions. If you voluntarily book a trip to the State Hospital, is that all inclusive? If I manage to pull my shit together before my scheduled check-in time can I get a full refund? What about WiFi? I have to be able to check my facebook account at least every 5 min. or so. How about room service? I mean besides Helga bringing me my meds in a paper cup twice a day.
So that brings me to today's top 10 list:
Today's top 10 reasons for needing to be committed:
10. My cat is pulling chunks of hair out of her ass. I'm stepping on chunks of wet cat ass hair with my bare feet.
9. G.I. Joe (my husband) often times goes to sleep before I do. Lately he has been farting himself to sleep. The jerky farts are the absolute worst. Nothing like opening our bedroom door to go to bed to be greeted by a large poof of nerve gas. I can't open the windows to air it out, so I'm stuck smelling his man stink. I punch him in the arm.
8. My son's inability to pee IN the toilet. For the love of God, He gave you a hose to aim with! How hard can it be?! Are you peeing with your eyes closed?! I bought a toilet seat that you can actually remove every time you clean the toilet. This was obviously invented by a woman who had several males living in her house. I take it off and soak it in Lysol & hot water. Clean the whole bathroom top to bottom and it still smells like piss!
7. No matter what bra I buy, no matter how expensive, the under wire digs under my right boob. My hooters are WAY too big to not be wearing a bra without support, but yet I can't wear an under wire. I have two choices: Bra with no support = African Bush Woman Jugs OR Duct Tape = skin graft weekly.
6. My mother in law is missing her brain stem.
5. My den looks like an episode of Hoarders. I full expect to find a fully mummified animal under boxes when I get around to cleaning it out.
4. PHSS (Post Holiday Stress Syndrome). Symptoms included loss of finances, excess weight gain, gift returns & fallout from making a crack about the family drunk at dinner.
3. Acne. Really? I am WAY to old to be doing this! I suspect when I go to the grocery store that a good percentage of shoppers think that I just left the methadone clinic.
2. The daunting task of getting rid of my back ass AND my front ass which are rivaling each other in size these days.
And the #1 contributing factor to my need to voluntarily commit myself....
Trying to help my 11 year old son deal with his ADHD. I can't even keep myself together, how am I suppose to help him? It all falls directly on my shoulders, not dad's, MINE. No pressure there. Not getting the help I need from his teachers, and am really sick of my mother's inability to try to understand for even a second what this is like. Middle school is looming and he can't even remember to bring home a library book or his homework as it is. How in the hell is he going to be able to remember all of his paper, books, locker combo, gym clothes...on and on. I am so scared for him and I feel like I have completely failed him and I feel like damn near everyone has failed me.
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