Skinny Sexy Diva Trapped in a Fat Bit*hes Body!

Well I think that title pretty much sums up life for a lot of us girls now doesn't it!? Yep, in my head I'm a skinny sex goddess that should rule over the world...or at least the bedroom...and the reality of that is that 3 kids later I am a figment of my imagination...at least as far as the skinny goes. ;) In a society focused on looks and assigning worth to how we look, it's kinda hard to look in the mirror everyday sometimes, and let me tell you right now...either my mirror or my camera lie about me cause in one I am HOT and in another...so NOT. As soon as I figure out which one is which... one might meet a violent end. So when does the weight obsession start for us, why can't we just be comfortable in our own skins? Rock what we got...

For me...Ahhh... 1990, local store with my brother looking at cd's and running into the exercise tapes...you remember the ones...Buns of Steel...1, 2, and 3. I remember spotting one, picking it up, and saying to my brother who was standing on my right, Hey! I need this one... slowly I start to realize the man on my right is not my brother...but a very attractive young man who is now looking at me and the title of said video..."Heavenly Hips". My brother almost died after I quickly walked away mortified and beet red and got my hands on him in another part of the store! The really stupid thing was that my 16-24 year old body was HOT and dang do I wish I had it back...sound familiar? Girls, we should of enjoyed the hell out of it while we had it! Alas, even then I was always pretty sure I wasn't enough and needed to look like some busty, skinny waisted, Hollywood, starving starlet. To only have the knowledge then that I do now!! You may know the rest of the story, along came marriage and pregnancy. The reality is that I have only ever gained weight in my life when I was pregnant...and the moment I hear the word I gain 60 pounds on the spot! I'm also not one of those lucky girls that loose weight while they nurse...no, for some reason my body holds on to the weight till I stop nursing...a year later. I then loose half the weight and along comes another pregnancy and more weight. My children are worth every pound and I would do it a thousand times over for them...but dang! It finally got to the point where I not only hated me but I'm pretty sure my husband didn't like me much either...and looking back, except for one horrible and hurtful experience in my 39th week of my 3rd pregnancy, I don't think it had as much to do with what I looked like as how I felt and the vibes I gave off feeling that way...about myself. Fast forward a year or two and I've had enough... tired of not being in pictures with my kids, tired of shopping in the ugly clothes sections when the clothes across the aisle in my used to be size are screaming my name. I finally flip the switch and start doing what works for me. 30 pounds later and still a LONG way to go I notice a difference in how people talk to me, encourage me, treat me, and how I behave myself. Do I look that different? Not really... but what I am again is happy, confident, fun, flirty, and feeling good. I CAN DO THIS! That my friends is the key! Our bodies are always going to be a ever changing project and we can't please the world or even people in our own lives...but we can please ourselves...love ourselves..and find ourselves. I found me and it was a pivotal change. I am BOUND AND DETERMINED that I will be that 24 year old size. Don't get me wrong, my body will not look the same because it carries that badge of carrying my 3 babies, but I'm gonna so ROCK what I got, and enjoy it...from this size, right on down to the smaller size. Am I motivated by what society thinks in my goals...NO, Hollywood can have it's starving starlet's! I'm motivated to want to be healthy for the people who love me and for my body to work for me. Do you know how many things I've avoided in the last 8 years because I didn't want to draw attention to myself or was to insecure to bring myself joy because I did let society value me. NOT ANYMORE!!! Now, reader participation here...say this next part outloud...I am a strong, independent, sexy, woman who is currently a size 16 (or your size here)...let me repeat that... A SIZE 16...and I'm now saying screw you if you don't find that hot, cause I am... and I will enjoy life at that size and the size 14, and the 12, right on down to my goal. I just wish I would have discovered this before this last year, because honestly, I wasted a lot of time not living...

This week I joined the gym. I'll admit I'm a fair weather runner and it's cold and wet here. Zumba rules but I also want to do a few other things that Zumba can't...hence the gym. I also currently have a 21 year old living with my family and I'm highly competitive by nature and so is she...but we're that way in a good, encouraging, and fun, kind of way. She and I decided to join together and frankly I was pretty damn excited cause I know me... put my 36 year old ass on a treadmill or elliptical next to a 21 year old ass and I will kill myself to keep up. It's a win win...inside workout and ultimate motivation!! What was so funny and yet rather sad to me was as we were touring the gym all the 21 year old skinny girls were turning around and giving me the why are you here look? I smiled politely and gave them the wait another 10 years and you'll see look. Sigh...If they only knew now... what I know now...and that not living part... well, I'm making up for it now!!